I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Just had my nails done!
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?