The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.