I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs