*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
You Might Also Like
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Ion see the issue
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
was Jim off killing horses or…
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this