If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.