It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times