In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Goat cheese is for herders.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
How it started How it’s going
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now