41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?