How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
That’s not how days work.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?