“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I occasionally drink every single night.