This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”