4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
You know…for fall…
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.