Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
You Might Also Like
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
How it started: How it’s going:
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I had to Stop for this
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣