Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.