There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My dad is at it again
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Feel. He’s so soft.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.