I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.