i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.