Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
welp
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does