not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
there has never been a better use of this meme
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.