Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“The Perfect Relationship”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”