this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….