Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.