Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Happy Halloween 🎃
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
58.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle