“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.