damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!