Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Rt to bother an English speaker
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside