If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Ape together strong
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.