“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot