[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)