i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Just me?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Jupiter
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Fat chances are my favorite chances