One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I gave up going to work for lent.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.