I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!