everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother