I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
SPLOOT
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus