Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee