How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine