My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
PARKOUR
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
won’t smith
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.