How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You Might Also Like
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
dutch is not a serious language