I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall