Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.