[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.