I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
You Might Also Like
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.