If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.