Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You Might Also Like
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.