Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
You Might Also Like
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.