There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sooo many times…..
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes