[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
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I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone