The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
📽️movie date🎞️
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
This could’ve been an email.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background