God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
that wasn’t the question
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”