They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
They grow up so quick
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?